I can’t love by myself. It’s too hard. #Hurt

Hey all, Trust you’re good. I am very fine as well. 

I  dunno how to start this thing I’m about to talk about,I’ll just dive right in anyway. Loving, I believe, is beyond me. You see, I can’t love by myself. If I choose to love by myself and people keep hurting me (which they are bound to do, cos, humans) I won’t get past the hurt. I won’t. I’ll look at them and think of the pain they’ve caused me. I’ll look at them and think of how much I’ve cried. I’ll look at them and all I’ll see is hurt. 

I’m not a miss know it all. I don’t know all, I get a few things, did I just say few? I get so many things wrong, I’m not perfect. I’m miss feel it all, because I’m just like any other young woman who passes through the motions of life, I just like to see lessons and learn. I hope I learn. I’ll tell you a quick story. 

On Saturday (two days ago) , I felt sorry for myself. There’s this lady  (a year or two older than me) she comes for fellowship in our house, but (there’s always a but LOL) she used to be so snobbish, I’ll greet her with a smile she’ll never smile back, talk less greet. I became tired of this routine, I eventually kept to myself and became like her to her. I hated it. I was turned into who I wasn’t. It tore at me constantly, but I couldn’t just bear to be on that end, the girl who gets snubbed constantly. I’m a jovial person naturally, I love smiling, I even greet strangers!  

However, On Saturday, she came into the kitchen,didn’t say anything as usual, she said hello,(she’s been saying hello recently, I really didn’t care, I just was to pissed, couldn’t get past the annoyance and subtle hurt) I answered with my nose. Eventually she asked about my hair and blah I became myself, I went on and on about the things I do (do not do, but should) and I became who I really am. Oh how glad I was to get out of that shell. I eventually thought, Lois,  why didn’t you just love her even when she was being a child? I felt really sorry for myself. It just took love. 

You know one thing I love about God? He’s a comforter. You see, yesterday, I was about to give up on loving someone. Like I felt I was wasting my time Loving someone who clearly wanted nothing to do with me. Of course I was hurt. I told someone and he said “Just hold on, stay true to your beliefs”  my reply, “but how on earth do you hold on to someone that’s pushing you away” I was tired of trying. I was tired of loving someone that didn’t want to be loved. I guess it’s easier to love when it’s all smooth. I read my devotion that night, guess what! Of all things that could be talked about! It was LOVE. I saw these: 
 Love is patient… Love hopes all things… Love does not keep a record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13. 

One thing I constantly tell myself when someone does something stupid is “who do they think they are to hurt me when they feel like, an then try to get back with me when they feel like. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE To walk all over me?!!”  I know it’s hurtful. I know. At the same time, I know that’s not Love talking. 

You see, the only reason I was getting tired of loving is because I was trying to love by myself. What the heck do I know about love?  I don’t know how to do it without God. I honestly don’t know how to. I’d always known that God is love, I believe LOVE originates from God, I’m being stretched to go the extra mile. It’s tasking. Madly tasking if I rely on myself. I have God’s grace, it’s sufficient to continually teach me how to love. So I prayed yesterday and I’m praying today;

 Dear Lord, I really can’t do it. No, I can’t.  I have no strength in me to love. You are love. Teach me to love even in the most inconvenient times. Teach me to love when it seems easy. You love the sinners. This person isn’t a sinner, yet it’s so hard to keep loving someone that doesn’t want to be. I can do this by your grace ALONE. I can’t rely on myself any longer. Teach me Lord, with you loving is easy, Loving isn’t a burden, Dear Lord, Love is patient,  Love hopes, Love overlooks wrongs, amongst so many other things. I can only learn patience, forgiveness  and hope from you. Without you I really have no hope. I believe you’ll help me. Help me to be yielding when it gets harder. Help me. 


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